Sunday, 20 January 2013

Sometimes Sunshine, Sometimes Rain.

I seldom talk about personal things here on my blog, I sometimes think about it, especially when I have read a post that resonates or moves me from a fellow blogger. However for some reason I now find myself wanting to share some thoughts with you.

I am not sure when I first became aware of my depression, probably around the time of my marriage breakup. Trying to describe feelings of depression is almost impossible, I believe that each person's depression is entirely unique to them, we are all individuals and I simply don't believe that one size fits all. I am NOT in a state of depression or malaise all the time, in fact most people that know me would say I am a jolly, fun person, but sometimes I wake and the day is just wrong. I have learnt over the years to recognise the signs of a mood change and take necessary steps to lessen the impact of the negative blanket that seems to engulf me. For me, time alone is vital, especially at the beginning, I usually head into the countryside with my dogs and just try and connect with my surroundings, listen to birdsong and walk. I counsel myself as I walk and slowly that darkness and feeling of being overwhelmed by life, starts to lift. Simple things really do make a difference to me, be it a bunch of flowers, the sun on my face, a new glossy magazine or a hardback book.

I worried enormously when my daughter was young that my "condition" made me a bad Mother, that I was letting her down when I had my low days, that somehow if I wasn't the wonderful Mother who was always smiling and upbeat it would damage her. Now she is older, we have talked about these days and amazingly she said it made her feel more valued because she felt important and protective of me and she is very compassionate with people she sees as vulnerable. I am thrilled and relieved to say that she shows no signs of a depressive nature at all.

It is one thing learning to understand one's own depression, but a very different thing getting other people to understand the condition. To me that is the greatest sadness, if you walk into a room with your arm in a plaster cast or a broken leg, people immediately sympathise, offer to help, give you encouragement and empathise, not always so with depression.

I have done a lot of work on myself over the years, trying to banish negativity as my default state and be more positive, I am winning, but there are still days when out of the blue I feel like I am struggling to stay afloat.

Sadly depression is still pretty much a hidden illness, we are rather ashamed that we should sometimes feel less than good, after all there are so many people who have to endure such hardships and tragedies
and it does make me feel guilty. However we are only human, we can't always get it right, can't always shine, can't always achieve, but I feel I have the upper hand, that yes this is something I will probably always suffer from in one way or another, but when it hits, I will take myself off somewhere good, pick and smell those flowers, walk through the fields in my muddy wellies, lose myself in a good book, and take care of me. I call them my snuggle days when I have to give myself a hug, tell myself I am a good person, that it is Ok to feel a little low and that soon I will be back out there.

all images from previous posts.



  1. I'm glad you talked about this. I want to return and read this post once a week. A great deal of my depression disappeared when we moved from an area I disliked, and when I discovered online that multi-vitamins can cause depression (I thought it was my imagination). Still, there are off-days. Much of it comes from the discouragement of not being able to be exactly who I want to be or do the harmless but unusual things I really want to do. So I love your "I don't have to be like everyone else" quote. Courage to be yourself requires being both sensitive and vulnerable, and thick-skinned at the same time. For those of us who weren't born thick-skinned and don't really want to be that way, it's a challenge. Having a book, magazine, and tea day

  2. Such a sweet, honest, and compelling post. Thank you for your frankness. We all have days when we're not at our best, but very few will admit it. Most just take it out on others, all the while denying the reason for their hostility.
    I am a very new follower of yours and I cannot tell you how much I love your blog, how much it inspires me and lifts my spirit. I have taken to reading through all your posts little by little because your simple words and beautiful pictures make me feel so happy. Words cannot express how much I have enjoyed meeting you through blogland even though we are a sea apart. Now, because of your honesty, I feel like I know you more and the things you do to lift your spirits, are lifting others too. I feel so blessed to have stumbled across your blog and come to know you, even if just in a little way. Plus, I love how you share England, the one place on earth I have always wanted to visit and I enjoy seeing it through your eyes.
    Take care my new friend - Cindy

  3. What an incredibly powerful piece of writing, well done you for sharing it - and for simply writing it down.

    My Dad's family have suffered a lot from depression, it would appear to run through several generations of the family....I think you make such a good point when you write how it is not seen or understood in the same way as a broken arm, we can't see it & it is so hard, if not impossible, to understand.

    I love what you wrote about your great that you are able now to discuss these issues.

    Once again, I loved reading wrote it beautifully XX

  4. thanks for your honesty....on a practical note 5 years ago I accidently went to a homeopath for depression...I thought I was seeing an accupuncturist .......and it turned out to make the biggest difference of anything I've ever tried!!

  5. Beautiful post. Everyone comes into contact with depression at some point and it is only through speaking out that the stigma is lessened. xx

  6. I'm so glad Simone put your link on her post today so I could visit. I do have you on my blog roll because of your lovely images, but I was so excited to meet you in a more personal way. This is a beautiful post and I'm so glad you took the risk and shared. Maybe you'll learn that depression is more common than you can imagine. I know I've struggled with it in my earlier years, and my journey to understand my own dark feelings led me into the field of therapy. My own therapy, and then a profession where I helped others; and where I stayed for many years and loved it. For a long time I felt self conscious about my depressed times but as I've gotten older I've stopped worrying what other people may think of me. And it's the most exhilarating feeling ever, sheer freedom. Whenever I read a post from someone who struggles with depression my immediate reaction is one of empathy and warm kinship. We are friends of a special kind.
    Your daughter sounds lovely.
    Leslie (aka Gwen Moss)

  7. Bravo for verbalizing this in your blog. As I grew up I was reminded often never ever to show the slightest lack of composure. Of course, once learned you never it was like a shock to me to finally realize I did, in fact, suffer from depression. It took a lot of work on my part, with professional help and medications, to finally understand I didn't need to be as perfect as I wanted to be. All caused by my own demands upon myself. Relax, take one step forward at a time, and eventually you will learn the triggers for depression and began to avoid those things. You were brave to do this, but look at the wonderful comments you've received! I'm from Simone's too. xx's

  8. I appreciate this post so so much ~ how you have put it all out there. I think that a lot of people do not understand or are scared of depression. I have not had what I call a severe case myself but my Mom and her Aunt both suffered from it. I am so glad I came over for a visit tonight ~ hope tomorrow is not a walk through the field kind of day ~ although taking care of yourself should always be a priority! xo

  9. I'm happy I'm following you since a long time so I finally could read this post. Thank you, really.

  10. Wow! I love this post, it's difficult to write about yourself but you have explained your feelings so well and the photographs and quotes are gorgeous and uplifting.

  11. Hello...I, like everyone else, am really touched that you felt you could share this. It is a herculean feat of bravery to press that 'publish' button when you write so intimately about your feelings. We can all empathise I am sure and there are things you have written here that I recognise about banishing negativity. I also love what you write about your daughter and how protective she is of you. Mothers can be vulnerable too and I think it's actually really important for children to know that we are human too and can't always be cheerful and giving. Sometimes there isn't that much to give!

    I feel like we have got to know each other, you and I, through this medium of blogging, so I feel here that it's like listening to an old friend speak - your voice resonates through. The strange thing with blogging is that the more honest you are, the bigger the response from readers. I have thought about this a lot but I figure it's the on line equivalent of a kitchen table, a cuppa tea, a talk with a confidante.

    Thank you for sharing.
    Lou x

  12. What a beautiful heartfelt post, and very generous of you to share it. I wish you a happy, positive day and certainly your lovely blog brightens mine each time I read it. Thankyou...

  13. I think we all have felt depression at some point. Being able to talk about it and express it so well brings it out of it's closet and will help to set you free. Try to concentrate on the good things in your life and kick depression in the rear! Have a glorious day.

  14. What a brave and beautiful post. I'm happy you are doing well and are able to talk and write about it. I love that your daughter is protective of you, and I think you're right that the challenges we may face growing up often can serve to make us more empathetic. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  15. What a beautiful and heartfelt post. It illuminates your depression perfectly.

    Your blog is like a little oasis for me in the midst of some hectic days. You make me smile with all your beauty and peacefulness here on your sweet site. Thanks so much for sharing your gift with us!

    Praying many sunny days are in your future!

  16. Hello. I came over from Gwen Moss blog - and I needed this today. I'm just getting over the flu and that has pushed me over the edge for a few days I'm afraid. I can sometimes be ashamed to admit I deal with depression - but it is a fact. And it is an illness and I cannot make it magically go away. Thanks so much for posting!

  17. Beautifully written! I found you via Gwen Moss.

  18. Hi there...I am feeling low and wanted to re-find this post as it talked volumes to me when I first read it. Your words help, as do the images. Time to head out for a walk to clear my head :-) Lou x

  19. You are such a strong woman! Never doubt! We all, at some time in our life, experience depression. It is not a sign of weakness, but it shows you have a heart and it's still beating and you still feel all the emotions we can experience. Life isn't easy, oh boy no! We all have our struggles, even the great blogger we admire who seems to have the perfect life!!! The real strength is not to never feel's to recognize it and make it our strength. And one day we'll look back and see a beautiful monument made of all our tears.
    There is a poem which I love so much and I would like to share it with you. It's God talking to his children.

    before He sent his children to earth
    gave each of them
    a very carefully selected package
    of problems.

    He promised, smiling,
    are yours alone. No one
    else may have the blessings
    these problems will bring you.

    And only you
    have the special talents and abilities
    that will be needed
    to make these problems
    your servants.

    Now go down to your birth
    and to your forgetfulness, know that
    I love you beyond measure.
    These problems that I give you
    are a symbol of that love.

    The monuments you make of your life,
    with the help of your problems,
    will be a symbol of your
    love for me.

    Your Father.

    Hope you feel better!
    Take care ♥